Recovery. The hard but honest truth.
Truth is like a surgery. It hurts, but cures.
Lie is like a painkiller. It gives instant relief, but has negative side effects forever.
I want to be honest. Want to open up about my journey about fighting my eating disorder. I want to step out there, share my story and shed some light onto the hidden truth. What I can tell you right away is this: The truth will set you free, but first, it will piss you off.
I don’t want to bore you with the details (at least not at this time), so I will just feed you with the most important facts.
Let’s start from the beginning. About 10 years ago, I felt this crack inside me. I cannot remember where it came from or how it developed. It was just there and I suddenly started to feel worse and worse.
Happy family. Happy me?
I was born into a loving and caring family. Everything seemed to be just perfect. My parents were always there for me, my siblings were my best friends. I loved that my sister, who is only 1 year apart from me, was always there for me. We dressed the same, played together and listened to Winnie the Pooh at night. I was good at school, had a circle of really close friends. Travelled a lot. I did not have any problems.
At least it seemed like it from the outside. I had a couple of model jobs, had boyfriends until one day something happened inside of me. Something broke apart. I slowly started to control my actions. Started to control what I ate, started to control my surroundings, even my own family and friends. I just never felt “good enough”. Always wanted more. I started to lie to everyone around me. But the worst was that I started to lie to myself.
But denying the truth doesn’t change the facts. Deep down you already know the truth. But the demon inside of you (I like to call IT that) just keeps pushing it away. He wants to stay in control. Wants to harm, wants to punish you, even without a reason. Until one day, I could not hide the truth anymore. I hated the person I had turned into.
I decided to change.
Today, after years of constant self-harming, punishing and restricting, I can finally say that I am on my way. On my way to heal both mind and body (yes, in this order). But it took me a long, long way to come here.
I started to heal by telling THE TRUTH. By telling the truth, I started to trust my own voice, gave ME, MYSELF a voice over the constant demon inhibiting, controlling me. He was dark. Very dark. And hell it wasn’t easy to carry him around wherever I went.
I’d like to share my story, not for sympathy or fame, but for all of you to see yourself in my journey. For you to realize that you’re not alone and for you to see that there is in fact light at the end of the tunnel. My experiences helped me find purpose. In life, in joy in loving myself and letting others love me. Let me help you find yours.
This is my first Fact for you today:
It’s not about the f****** food.
That’s the first thing that you have to understand about eating disorders. The mental fog and fatigue that comes with an eating disorder doesn’t care whether or not you want to eat, or whether or not you hate food.
I can attest to the fact that recovery was a mental process through and through – and the true breakthrough that empowered me to beat anorexia occurred when I switched from focusing on what is on my plate to what is in my mind.
My years of deep work, self-experience and knowledge has helped me overcome the darkness. It has helped me to shine again. When I finally committed to fight the demon. I think it’s time to share my experiences and knowledge and convert them into helpful advises that you can also benefit from on your road to recovery or whatever other journey you are on. Remember that to maintain honest relationship with others, we must first be TRUE to ourselves.
More about my journey is coming soon. Here is what I will leave you with today: Once you realize you deserve better, letting go will be THE BEST DECISION EVER!
Thank you so much for reading.
Love. Always.
Nila
PS: If you want to know more about me and my recovery journey, feel free to leave me a message or comment below. You are not alone. Whatever you are going through: Any mental disorder can ruin your life. Don’t take the demon take control. Don’t ever live a lie. I know that it gives instant relief, but has negative side effects forever.
