Today I want to share something very personal about my eating disorder recovery with you that I have not told anyone before. I want to share with you how a pair of jeans saved my life (or rather initiated my really hard work in recovery) and how it keeps me motivated on my journey.
It started with a click on the buy button.
It all started a few months ago, mid-way through my recovery journey. I was about to buy a new pair of baggy pants (of course) when I received an E-mail with a special sale on all pairs of jeans from one of my all time favorite brands. It might sound silly, but I always dreamed about getting this one particular pair that I had fallen in love with years ago. It is a timeless, high-wasted pair of skinny(!) jeans patterned with stars (I absolutely love stars). My attention was grabbed immediately. And even though knowing that I hate to wear (skinny) jeans that highlight my skinny legs, I clicked on the link. There were only large sizes available (at least what French designers call a size LARGE). Never mind, I thought, added it to my online basket and … hit the buy button.
This is how it all started. Well, how the REAL work started and how I got really motivated to change. Without further thought about it, I received my order a couple of days later. Putting them on, just as I had expected, I felt very uncomfortable. But it was at this moment when something inside me suddenly shifted.
How a pair of jeans keeps me motivated.
I always hated this feeling. This feeling of not being comfortable in my own skin. At this very moment when I put on my new delivery, I committed to change. Committed to fit into these pair of jeans. However long it may take.
Today, I still don’t feel ready to take my jeans out onto the street, but I know that I will get there. Whenever I feel unmotivated, disturbed or like nothing is worth getting better, I put on my pair of jeans and voilà I get a constant reminder of the commitment I have made to myself.
Of course, it does not have to be a pair of (star-sprinkled) jeans. It can be anything you really want. But it has to be so important to you that you start the commitment. It can be a simple plant for those of you having trouble taking care of others. Just do your best to water it, give it some water and sunshine so it can nourish and blossom. If you can take care of this plant (don’t get a cactus though as it won’t need much attention), you might even get a pet to take care of. Maybe you continue with a new relationship or friendship. Maybe you will end up building a family of your own.
Who knows where the little things we commit to will lead us. Nobody knows. But if we don’t start with SOMETHING how will we ever know?
Thank you for reading.
Love (as always).
PS: This is my sister (left) and me (in some flower-printed jeans) standing on top of the world – or rather very close to the “Cape of Good Hope” in Capetown SA, which felt really close to the top of the world 🙂